B. Don’t Be That Guy
The woman who handed you this chapter sees how you treat other women. Even if you’re great to her, if you treat other women badly, you’re telling her that your respect is a favor, conditional, and she can’t expect decency from other men, or maybe even from you, if she doesn’t do what you want. Whether they’re your friend or your sister or a complete stranger, how you treat every woman is part of the culture that affects how your friend or your mom or your sister gets treated. So don’t be the guy that does in the world things that you don’t want to happen to the folks you care about.
Instead, be the guy who recognizes that women deal with so many rules about their bodies that based on the expectations of society and its institutions, they’re generally in violation of some of them, all of the time. Take appearance. Women are constantly bombarded with messages that their looks and bodies are not good enough. Magazine covers are ruthlessly Photoshopped, presenting a false and unattainable ideal of perfection, and the average women in prime-time television would be stunning in a real-world crowd. They don’t need more of that.
You can find whatever you want attractive, but that’s between you and . . . well, just you. If you tell a woman what you don’t find attractive, whether she’s your lover or your relative or your friend, you’re making that her problem. That includes weight issues. Some people are fat. Nobody is required to be attracted to them, but be the guy who treats fat folks with basic respect. If you think a woman is overweight, she knows. She’s agonized about it. Telling her about it will not make her life better. If you’re thinking that it’s about her health, ask yourself this: Am I that woman’s treating physician? If the answer is no, then keep it to yourself.
You don’t want to be the guy who directs hate-rays at fat women, or skinny women, or tall women. The woman who wanted you to read this picks up on the message that some women’s bodies are right and some are wrong. And some people happen to have those “wrong” bodies, and they’re going to have to walk around in them. We’re attracted to what we’re attracted to, but acting like it’s a universal standard that women have an obligation to meet isn’t good. Whatever your personal preferences, be the guy that treats all women as people, however their bodies are shaped.
Don’t be that fetishizing guy, either. This is another cardboard cutout issue: The Asian woman you meet in line at the grocery store is not all Asian women, or a stereotype of an Asian woman. Dating her is dating a whole person. If she goes out with you and finds that you think you’re dating the stereotype you have in your head, then you’re not really dating her. She might dump you, and you’ll definitely both feel miserable. People are attracted to all kinds of physical characteristics or life experiences, whether it’s tall, thin, blond, cissexual* women or fat, green-eyed, trans women. But dating people as though a category can sum them up isn’t really dating, it’s consumerism, and it leaves everyone upset and unsatisfied. Be the guy that always sees the person and not the demographic.
Do be supportive guy. Whoever gave you this book wants you in her life, and at some point, she’s going to need your support. When I was in man-school (this would all be easier if there were one, right?) there were no classes on how to offer support, so I learned from experience that folks usually don’t say “I need your support” unless they’re running for office. What they do is tell you about the Really Crappy Experience, which runs the gamut from “someone did something nasty at work” to “I got raped.” What does your friend (or your lover or your mom) need? How should I know?! Let go of the idea that you’re supposed to know what she needs. Ask her, and then let her tell you what she needs. If she herself doesn’t know, be patient while she figures it out. She may just need to vent, or she may need to fall apart.
Don’t be the “men don’t listen, men fix!” guy. We get a lot of messages that our job is to fix the problem. There’s a tension between fixing and dealing with feelings; if you fix the problem, the feelings take care of themselves, right? But sometimes the only thing there is to fix is the feelings. Let’s talk about a really, really worst-case scenario: Let’s say that someone you love was raped. Nobody can make a rape un-happen. That’s unscrambling the egg. She’s going to have to go through it, and helping her do that is the only fixing you can do.
When I can’t fix something, I often want to break something instead. It’s an outlet for frustration I learned as a kid, and I’m sure not the only one. We get of lot of cultural support for that, too. It feels like doing something, and coping with feelings can seem maddeningly passive. Well, as the mathematicians say, for every complex problem there is an elegantly simple solution that is wrong. When the stakes are high (like with rape), many of us have the same first reaction: Since we can’t make it un-happen, we’ll break the person who caused all the pain. This may be entirely possible, and sometimes it has a lot of appeal to it. But it’s often a disaster that creates bad consequences for everyone including arrests and retaliations, and making things more difficult and complicated for the person the vigilante is theoretically trying to support. To be supportive guy, you have to keep in mind that support is about the person being supported. Vigilante justice is about the vigilante, and that applies to a lot of those “men don’t listen, men fix!” impulses.
Do be the guy who knows how to listen. Some men refuse to listen to what a woman says if she’s visibly upset. They may say, and even believe, that this is a neutral rule. It isn’t. There are cultural and biological reasons that fewer women than men can keep a poker face when they’re upset. But also, guys rarely shut down men for being emotional when they get loud and red in the face. And if a woman is angry, some men automatically get defensive. Don’t be that guy. Be the guy who can hear anger or criticism. If you can’t respond without things escalating, just be honest, and say you want to let her talk but you’re going to have think about it before responding.
Listening is a skill, and it isn’t always easy to learn. There is useful guidance at this site. Though it is geared for the business world, much of the material is transferable to learning to listen to a friend or a partner also.
Finally, and I hope this is obvious to any man who has read this far, don’t be misogynist guy. Be the guy who won’t join in something you know is wrong. All women are affected by how you treat other women. If you ignore and shut down women who talk to you, even if you wouldn’t do that to your sister or your friend, you’re adding to a culture where that happens, and the men around you see that and learn that that’s normal, and the women in your life will see that and learn that even if you extend them special privileges, “women” is a category you regard as lesser. If you act like it’s okay to harass women on the street, telling them “smile” like they owe you a smile, you’re making that a rule and you’re making yourself the police. If you act like it’s okay to talk over women in conversation because what you have to say is more important than listening, you’re contributing to that being the rule for how the world works.
You can’t be perfect all the time. Nobody has that much energy. You can’t instantly change the world so no men do things that shut down and shut out women, but the more you’re the guy who doesn’t do those things, the more you’re making the world a better place for women you care about.
DO THIS: Pick a characteristic or demographic of people you are attracted to, and write an imaginary email response to a personal ad for a person in that category—an Asian woman or a Latina or a fat woman or a bisexual woman, or any woman who falls into a “type” that tends to turn your crank. Here’s the catch: Their profile says, “I’m tired of dating guys who fetishize me because I’m [category]. Please tell me you’re interested in me for who I am and not just because I’m [category]. Write a response that assures them that you want to get to know them and you’re not just looking for a stand-in for your fantasy. When you’re done writing your response, figure out if it’s true. If it’s true, you’ve probably gained some insight. If it’s not true and you really are looking to date a character from central casting, then you know what issue you have to work out, and you should ask yourself why you’re looking at another person as if they’re a stereotype.
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* Quick definition: Cisgendered means not transgendered, cissexual means not transsexual. We’re all assigned as men or women at birth. For those of us who basically feel that assignment is right, the cis- terminology applies. [back to text]
