E. A Man among Men

We have met the man police, and they are us. If we all agreed that social rules we didn’t like were nonsense, they’d go away, but that won’t happen all at once. Changing the culture is like working on load-bearing structures while we’re inside them. It does require some care.

If you’re around men-only crowds, you’ve certainly heard other men say things or make jokes that don’t sit well with you. Maybe it’s a sexist joke, something really hostile. Or maybe it’s more subtle, like the kind of remark that assumes stereotypes that you don’t agree with. Most men, most of the time, just let these things go even if they don’t agree. What would happen if we voiced our dissent, instead? That depends on the situation; consequences could be everything from uncomfortable tension to jokes at someone’s expense to violence, depending on the people and the situation. Homer Simpson knew what he was talking about when he told Marge the “code of the schoolyard . . . never say anything unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.” But sitting by when other people say things you have a problem with, and being silent so everyone thinks you approve, is like letting them put your name on the stupid crap they say. Noting your objection is taking responsibility for what you think.

If nobody dissents then nothing can change, and I’m not okay with that. What I’ve found is that the most important thing about all-male social environments is that they respond to confidence. Gabriel, thirty, has noticed this, too: “Because I exemplify this conviction and stand by what I believe in [younger guys in my school] appreciate that and look up to it.” If you call a guy out about his comments, it’s important to do it with conviction. You have to say it and stand behind it. And then . . . What happens next is up to them.

Ben, twenty-three, told me, “I’ve definitely spoken up in groups and have been ostracized from groups because of that,” but he’s also had “awesome breakthrough moments.” Usually, if you’re confident and you make your point, people just move on and hopefully think about it later. But you can’t be heedless of the situation. Calling your boss on his shitty comments, or confronting a biker bouncing at the bar, may not go well. In some environments, said Daniel, thirty, “You can only do it maybe one out of ten times and maintain your position in the dominant hierarchy.” There may be more things you disagree with than you have the time or energy to take on, and you have to be okay with your own limitations.

Do what you can. Sometimes, good things happen. Sometimes when you lead, others will follow. If you say, “Rape jokes aren’t funny,” there may be three other guys around to be your Amen chorus, even if none of them had the backbone to say it first. And if you’re not the one to say it first, you can make it clear they’re not alone just by saying you agree.

DO THIS: Over the next two days, pay attention to the things that other men say about sex, gender, sexuality, relationships, and women. When you can, make a note of anything they said that you didn’t agree with, and write down anything you did or said in response. Then, pick one of these incidents and write it the way you would like it to have gone if you had it to do over again. This is the chance to let your “staircase wit” run free. Write the perfect response, and even the other guys’ responses.

GO DEEPER:

(This is an optional exercise if you’d like to explore the ideas in this essay further.)

Going Undercover

You will make two trips into the field—one to a place where women congregate and one to a place where they are in the minority, or at a disadvantage. The first might include a Laundromat, the women’s clothing section in a department store, a women’s bookstore. The second might be a sports bar, a basketball or hockey game, or a conference or talk on a traditionally “male” topic.

Make field notes. How do women behave when they are in female space? How do men behave in female space? How do women behave in male space? How do men behave in male space? Of course, we don’t want to generalize about all men and all women, but what do you notice about the cultures and the conventions? Is there a difference in the way people interact with each other? What do women say to each other? What do women and men say to each other? What do men say to other men? Note sample dialogue.

Also pay attention to how people relate nonverbally. How much smiling is there in each circumstance? How much physical contact, and what kind? What do men laugh at? What do women laugh at? Who reassures each other? Teases each other? Encourages or compliments each other? What are the topics of conversation? How much talk is about personal topics vs. external things like sports and news and shopping?

Then, go through your notes, and write about how gender affects how people claim and control space. What do people actually do to show ownership of a place, a table, a conversation? Do they spread their bodies out and take up space? Do they ignore remarks that move away from the topics they prefer? Do they talk about things that exclude people that don’t already have a lot of background knowledge, especially if it’s gendered?

Finally, write a short narrative of someone excluded from that space, trying to assert themselves—either someone from the opposite sex or someone who just didn’t fit the gender norms, like a guy who didn’t know or care about sports. How would they try to create room for themselves in that situation, and what would happen then?

Page 1 2 3 4 5

Comments are closed.